Sunday, April 1, 2012

Biggest Insecurity

The word insecure had four different definitions according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online...
  1. not confident or sure: uncertain
  2. not adequately guarded or sustained: unsafe
  3. not firmly fastened or fixed: shaky
  4. not highly stable or well-adjusted: deficient in assurance 
As I think about my biggest insecurity and consider the four definitions that the dictionary presents I have difficulty coming up with one specific thought.  Of course I'm insecure.  I tend to be too insecure at times, but if I had to pick one I'm not sure I could.  There are circumstances that make me feel uncertain or unsafe, but the insecurity behind them rarely prevents me from participating.  I would say I'm insecure in a bikini, but I own many and spend most of spring break last week wearing one.  Being in a room of people I am unfamiliar with causes me anxiety, but the world is full of people I don't know and life is full of situations in which I will be surrounded by new faces.  

Although my insecurities do not necessarily prevent me from enjoying certain situations they do push me towards facets of my life where I know I can succeed.  I would readily admit that this is one of my defense mechanisms to prevent insecurity.  Because I use it as a way to protect myself I often keep myself within my comfort zone even in uncomfortable situations.  

With that said I also want to acknowledge that I believe people are strong and courageous and at times I know I fight against my insecurities.  My husband switched hockey teams two years ago and I had to make new friends with the wives/girlfriends.  I honestly know I hoped they would all sit together and just ignore I was there, but I actually surprised myself by introducing myself.  I actually made some dear friends out of the experience.  It also makes hockey more enjoyable :)  

I believe being aware and reflecting on my insecurities helps me to keep myself in check.  If I am straying away from a certain situation or person because it/they cause me anxiety I can admit that to myself and make a decision on how to respond.  I know there are times when I feel that keeping my distance is best, but there are also instances where I have to give myself a little push to fight my insecurity and in the end, be stronger.  


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